My cat gives me a boner
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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