apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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