we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
