I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
