I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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