Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
