Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
