My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
