Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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