Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
