Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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