There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
