don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
