Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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