dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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