ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
