Acid is not a monday night drug
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
