I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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