Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
