dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
