God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
