Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
