My sheets look like a crime scene.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
