I want to make a zoo with you.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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