I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
