The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
