Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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