I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
