hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
