My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
