I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
