hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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