I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is my gift to your gina
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
