Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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