If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
