I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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