is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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