What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
