cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
