Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
