I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
