happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
