What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i think i just lost a toe
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
