The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
