Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
