we have pet lesbian snakes
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize
