Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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