"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
