If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sorry about my life...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
