There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
